I Was Addicted to Pornography

I have fought with the idea of sharing my story for a long time.

On one side I didn’t want people to know what I had done.

On the other side I battled with feeling if it was appropriate or not to share…

Finally I realized that I needed to share it.

If we don’t talk about the addiction as often as we talk about alcoholism or smoking,

Then it will never be fought against as much as other addictions are.

Along with sharing my battle with pornography I invite anyone else who’s gone through similar 

battles themselves, 

if we share our stories others will find strength to reach the same point we have.

My addiction began in Middle School.

I had always been an avid reader.

Being mesmerized and obsessed with the Bourne movies I decided to read the novel it was based on.

Now to understand where I was at this point, I was naïve and clueless when it came to sex.

As anyone my age should be, however that’s becoming less and less normal.

I remember being in elementary school and coming home from a bus ride asking my mom what a 

blowjob was,

She never let me ride the bus again.

The book hooked me right at the beginning.

However not too long into the book I began to read a passage that was curious yet disgusting.

The main character was described having sex with the woman in the book and I couldn’t stop 

reading.

Not knowing what the feelings were I read it multiple times until the feelings became overwhelming.

Shutting the book I felt confusion and guilt rise inside of me.

I decided, after fighting myself for an hour, to go and tell my parents.

Too embarrassed to tell them it was from a book, I just explained what I was feeling.

They told me it was normal and that I was going through puberty.

Dismissing the event, I forgot it as quickly as I could and never read the book again.

I am not alone in this type of event in a young man or young woman’s life.

There will be a moment where someone discovers the sexual feelings inside of themselves.

Sadly, these events are coming more and more often through pornography.

Whether it’s a picture, a book, a movie, etc.

It’s Porn.

Parents have a responsibility to teach their kids not only about sexual feelings, but also about pornography and what it can do to them.

Because kids will experience it at a very young age.

At this point, if I knew fully what the effects of pornography were, then it may have stopped the addiction right then.

I don’t blame my parents.

At that point pornography was barely spoken about in society, it was there, but not in the same degree it is today.

The next few years I went through the angst of the teenage years.

Pornography began to creep in stronger and stronger.

It became a daily use type of thing.

I felt that I had to get the emotion out somehow, and if I didn’t use daily then they would just bubble up until I had to.

I decided that I was going to stop.

Then a couple of weeks to a month later I would fall back into it.

What was the trigger?

Stress and guilt.

Do you see the cycle?

I would use, feel less stressed, then feel guilty, then use again to remove the stress.

This is the same cycle with any other addiction.

The addiction itself leads to the trigger.

I was miserable.

And I can honestly say I hated myself.

Now I wasn’t the guy sitting in the back with my hood up depressed all the time.

I had friends,

I smiled.

I contributed to church youth group activities.

I got okay grades.

Yet I hated myself. A lot.

There would be nights where I would physically hurt myself because that is what I deserved.

What kind of person was I that couldn’t overcome this small thing?

What I didn’t realize was it wasn’t a small thing.

I needed help from others but couldn’t bring up the courage to talk to anyone about it.

Eventually I talked to a leader at my church and he explained that I wasn’t the only one.

That this problem and addiction is normal.

How was this normal?

Nobody around me did it.

They liked themselves, they were happy.

The problem with pornography is it doesn’t present itself like other addictions do,

 by someone becoming drunk,

or making a person smell like smoke.

It is completely secretive.

The addiction doesn’t show itself unless the person is driven to rape someone or act violently in a sexual way.

However most people don’t reach that point.

They stay in the hidden, self-loathing, position that I was in.

Telling someone helped.

I began making the changes I needed to.

But I slipped right back in.

Seven years after my initial exposure to pornography I used it for the last time.

What made this different from all the others?

First, I had been trying to stop for years.

All of those efforts were important to quitting finally.

I had been eager to do missionary work for my church but they had standards each person had to meet.

One of them included being sexually pure, which included not watching pornography.

The opportunity to do missionary work came a lot faster than originally planned and I found myself not being able to go,

Because of the simple fact that I couldn’t get over this one addiction.

I remember being torn and distraught.

The feelings of self-hatred returned quickly.

I didn’t want to go back to that life,

I had improved.

Improvement happened, but the perfection needed didn’t.

Walking to the classroom I was going to meet my church leader in was a long one.

I knew how this was going to go, I wasn’t going to be able to do missionary work.

Once again, as it was every time I openly shared my addiction with another person,

he was extremely understanding and was an important influence in me overcoming the addiction.

He again shared that I wasn’t the only one.

I set a plan with him to overcome the addiction,

And with him decided I was never going to use again.

And I didn’t.

It’s been four years since the last time I sought out pornography.

I am happier than I have ever been.

I am faithfully and happily married to the most beautiful girl I have ever met.

Happiness isn’t on a screen, or through pictures, it’s with healthy relationships with those around you.

Pornography addiction can and will be overcome.

I know many who read this are, will, or have faced an addiction with pornography.

It will destroy your life and your relationships.

I know because it destroyed my closest relationships.

Take the first and hardest step,

 and tell someone.

It’s the first step in a long journey.

But it’s the most important step.

Stop reading this blog and call someone,

Text someone,

Or talk to a person under the same roof as you.

Start today, and I promise one day you will be able to write something just like this.

You will overcome it.

You can and will do it.

www.fightthenewdrug.org

Don't Let the Test Deter the Decision (Part 2)

WAIT, DON'T READ YET!

Before you start, have you read Part 1?

Oh you have? Great, you can keep reading then ;D

Weeks and months, then years flew by as I embarked on the greatest adventure of my life. Returning home, I found the similar numb feeling I felt when I first left. It quickly faded as I spent the time I had been dreaming about, with my family. Then college came, too soon if you asked my mom but not soon enough in my opinion. Before I knew it I was back in Rexburg, Idaho. My "goal setting" training from the past two years stayed ingrained in me. I had a goal and was going to work at it. I was going to find a wife.

The second date I went on I knew she was special. Four months passed and I found myself taking the same seemingly long, both mentally and physically, walk to the Rexburg temple. Jessie’s hand was in mine. I gently squeezed her hand and smiled. We followed a path that was all too familiar to me. I felt much different this time. My walk wasn’t slow and heavy. My feet sprang as step by step she walked with me. Elated as I was, there was a grounding sensation that began to weigh me down. Pushing off the sensation we stopped at the granite bench. What was the sensation? Was it doubt? Fear? An answer to not continue? Or was it simply just the worry that the bricks would come raining down upon me again? Looking into her piercing blue eyes I smiled. The worries fluttered away with the wind. We faced the granite bench, facing the temple, and knelt together. My elbows began to ache as we opened up our hearts and future to our Father in Heaven. We weren’t necessarily asking what direction we should head, but rather if the one we joyously were embarking on was the right one. Rushing sensations filled my being. Familiar with the feelings now, I welcomed them with open arms. Saying my personal prayer of thanks I opened my eyes and with surety, looked at the face that would fill my future. We were getting married.

I immediately opened the steel coated umbrella--the bricks didn’t come! It was exciting to me. Maybe I had grown up enough to move past that.

            I struggled as I carried the hide-a-bed couch up the two flights of stairs to our apartment. Our apartment. The idea didn’t scare me. As I gratefully dropped the heavier-than-you-can-even-imagine couch onto our living room floor we thanked the family that helped us and both sat down on our couch. Our couch. In our living room. In our apartment. It was then I felt the familiar feeling of raining bricks as responsibility came crashing down on me once again. I caught each brick with grace. Sure, some hit me on the head but I had Jessie there to catch those bricks I missed. Together we were able to build a bigger mansion with those bricks than I could have ever dreamed of. I was familiar with responsibility and welcomed it like I would a bowl of Reese’s Cup ice cream. I turned to Jessie and smiled. She smiled back with her sky blue eyes and that beautiful smile I fell in love with nearly a year ago.

             

"Don't Let the Test Deter the Decision" (Part 1)

"Don't let the test deter the decision." -Rob Mortimer

        

         To set the stage, I was 18. Up to this point this was where I was at: In the LDS church all young men are expected to serve a 2 year mission away from home with the only communication with family being weekly emails and two phone calls a year. Sound terrifying? I definitely thought so. However, for some reason unapparent to me, I still felt I should go. In my mind it still was a far way off and I had a more exciting adventure in front of me, College.

         College was everything I dreamed it would be. The minute I walked in to my apartment and saw Alec setting up his bedroom with cases of Diet Coke, I knew whom I was rooming with. We quickly became friends and became the support we didn’t know we needed. As the Little Caesar’s pizza boxes stacked up in the corner, our minds were filled with semi-useful knowledge and our social lives full with awkward first dates and parties that were quickly left. Conference weekend came and grateful for a much-needed break, we took the overpriced bus to Salt Lake City to spend time with family. Sitting in front of the television with my bowl of M&M’s on one side and my phone on the other, I was ready to sit through the hours of talks that stretched endlessly in front of me. Nearly dropping a handful of yellow and green M&M’s, I heard a voice from the T.V.

“I am pleased to announce that effective immediately, all worthy young men… will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of 19…” My stomach fell to the center of the earth. The words fizzed in my ears and then replayed over and over. It seemed as if a cruel joke had just been played in a silent movie as everyone told me how excited they were for me. The hardest questions came as they asked if I matched their excitement. My dad couldn’t even contain his excitement.

“Do you realize how awesome this is? Don’t you feel lucky?” He said. Did I feel lucky? Did I feel blessed? This looming skyscraper that was still a year down the road suddenly fell, crushing the year long road in front of me and gave me no choice but to climb on top of it or to take the road adjacent. I felt as if I was standing before a cliff face, needing to get to the top, but not having the gear to reach it. And to make it even better everyone expected me to leap to the top of the cliff then cheer and wave as I left them all behind.

I returned to Rexburg with a sigh of relief to put distance between my family and I. I didn’t yet realize that responsibility would continue to creep up on me even though I didn’t have someone yelling it in my ear every minute. Taking a mission prep class didn’t help either as everyone was excitedly announcing they had chosen to leave on their mission immediately and had their papers in. Where did they get the gear to climb the cliff face? Sitting in the class as yet another student announced their good news, I boiled it down to what I truly knew: I had to go on a mission and God answers prayers. I knew God was the answer.

After finishing classes one day my legs and mind made the seemingly long walk to the Rexburg Temple. Kneeling at a bench I tried to tune out the noises around me. My knees pushed into the dirt, slowly soaking my jeans with water. I could feel the cold sensation prickle my knees. My elbows began to turn red as the granite dug into their ashy points.

Muttering a prayer lacking any elegance or grace--it hit me.

I didn’t quite know what “it” was but I knew it didn’t hurt. This wasn’t like the daunting feeling I had before. “It” was something hard yet achievable. It seemed as if the gear and tools I had been searching for appeared under my aching elbows in front of me. Almost immediately after the rushing sensation, responsibility crashed upon me like the similar “bricks” I was so good at controlling. A mansion wasn’t built in front of me, instead a looming pile continued to build around me and then on top of me. My stomach churned as everything I had to do materialized inside my head. My future seemed impossible yet probable. My phone shook in my hand as I struggled to dial my mom’s phone number. My voice shook as I told her my decision and her voice matched mine as she told me how happy she was. I grabbed what she said and held tight to it, even with the Rexburg wind I wasn’t forgetting that simple statement.

            I pushed around the cherry tomato in the salad I bought at Wendy’s. My stomach was quenched so tightly I was surprised water even was able to find room in there. Straightening my tie I laughed at one of my dad’s bad jokes then looked around at my family. I loved them. In an hour I am going to enter the MTC and leave them all behind. I had conquered the cliff face. However, there was a problem. The minute I reached the top I found it wasn’t the end, another seemingly unconquerable mountain stood before me. That was where I was now gazing at the top of the mountain wondering what I would find. I ended up throwing away the salad and got in the rented minivan. I was surrounded by people that loved me. Signs from the local restaurants advertised free meals for missionaries going in to the MTC and I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s not like any of them could eat it anyways. The van turned right and we entered the round-a-bout where I would leave my family behind. I felt numb. My suitcases were pulled out of the trunk and my sobbing mom gave me a hug while my dad fought back tears pitifully. As I gave my last family member a hug, I turned around, grabbing my suitcase, and followed the sea of white shirts, ties, and suit coats. I didn’t dare look back. I felt brave and so far had held back any major tears. The bricks began falling. I had left my steel-coated umbrella in the van so the bricks pounded down upon me. The tears began forcing themselves through my eyelids and down my face. It was then that familiar rushing feeling entered my whole being. Fear still tore me apart but I was able to fight back. I held on to the prayer at that granite bench that got me to this point. I took the steps forward as the door to the MTC shut behind me.

Garbage or Treasure?

Garbage or Treasure

A jar of pickles sits in my fridge.

Would I dare to touch it? Heck no.

There are only two foods I don't like, pickles and olives.

If every pickle and olive on the face of the planet disappeared today, I wouldn't miss them at all.

Now ask my wife the same question and she may cry herself to sleep the night they disappear.

I wouldn't go so far to say that worth is completely in the eye of the beholder.

Pickles are worth the same no matter who is looking at them.

However they are worth nothing to me.

"Worth" to each person is decided in each person's own way.

While reading the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin,

She started her own blog and I decided to challenge myself to start a blog.

What would I share?

Do I have anything worth sharing?

There's the worth question again.

Attending my writing class, my professor drilled into me that everyone has a story to tell.

I decided whether or not this blog reaches worldwide audiences,

whether or not anybody but myself (and hopefully my wife) takes the time to read it

I was going to put my thoughts and life impressions out there!

Who knows, maybe when my grandkids want to know something about their grandpa they'll have all of my thoughts on here.

With that, I decided to start it.

Now it is up to you to decide for yourself whether or not this blog is worth YOUR time.

I like it, but I can see how you think i'm biased.

So what do you think?

Is it "Garbage or Treasure"?