I have fought with the idea of sharing my story for a long
time.
On one side I didn’t want people to know what I had done.
On the other side I battled with feeling if it was
appropriate or not to share…
Finally I realized that I needed to share it.
If we don’t talk about the addiction as often as we talk
about alcoholism or smoking,
Then it will never be fought against as much as other addictions are.
Along with sharing my battle with pornography I invite
anyone else who’s gone through similar
battles themselves,
if we share our
stories others will find strength to reach the same point we have.
My addiction began in Middle School.
I had always been an avid reader.
Being mesmerized and obsessed with the Bourne movies I
decided to read the novel it was based on.
Now to understand where I was at this point, I was naïve and
clueless when it came to sex.
As anyone my age should be, however that’s becoming less and
less normal.
I remember being in elementary school and coming home from a
bus ride asking my mom what a
blowjob was,
She never let me ride the bus again.
The book hooked me right at the beginning.
However not too long into the book I began to read a passage
that was curious yet disgusting.
The main character was described having sex with the woman
in the book and I couldn’t stop
reading.
Not knowing what the feelings were I read it multiple times
until the feelings became overwhelming.
Shutting the book I felt confusion and guilt rise inside of
me.
I decided, after fighting myself for an hour, to go and tell
my parents.
Too embarrassed to tell them it was from a book, I just
explained what I was feeling.
They told me it was normal and that I was going through
puberty.
Dismissing the event, I forgot it as quickly as I could and
never read the book again.
I am not alone in this type of event in a young man or young
woman’s life.
There will be a moment where someone discovers the sexual
feelings inside of themselves.
Sadly, these events are coming more and more often through
pornography.
Whether it’s a picture, a book, a movie, etc.
It’s Porn.
Parents have a responsibility to teach their kids not only
about sexual feelings, but also about pornography and what it can do to them.
Because kids will experience it at a very young age.
At this point, if I knew fully what the effects of
pornography were, then it may have stopped the addiction right then.
I don’t blame my parents.
At that point pornography was barely spoken about in
society, it was there, but not in the same degree it is today.
The next few years I went through the angst of the teenage
years.
Pornography began to creep in stronger and stronger.
It became a daily use type of thing.
I felt that I had to get the emotion out somehow, and if I
didn’t use daily then they would just bubble up until I had to.
I decided that I was going to stop.
Then a couple of weeks to a month later I would fall back into
it.
What was the trigger?
Stress and guilt.
Do you see the cycle?
I would use, feel less stressed, then feel guilty, then use
again to remove the stress.
This is the same cycle with any other addiction.
The addiction itself leads to the trigger.
I was miserable.
And I can honestly say I hated myself.
Now I wasn’t the guy sitting in the back with my hood up
depressed all the time.
I had friends,
I smiled.
I contributed to church youth group activities.
I got okay grades.
Yet I hated myself. A lot.
There would be nights where I would physically hurt myself
because that is what I deserved.
What kind of person was I that couldn’t overcome this small
thing?
What I didn’t realize was it wasn’t a small thing.
I needed help from others but couldn’t bring up the courage
to talk to anyone about it.
Eventually I talked to a leader at my church and he
explained that I wasn’t the only one.
That this problem and addiction is normal.
How was this normal?
Nobody around me did it.
They liked themselves, they were happy.
The problem with pornography is it doesn’t present itself
like other addictions do,
by someone becoming
drunk,
or making a person smell like smoke.
It is completely secretive.
The addiction doesn’t show itself unless the person is
driven to rape someone or act violently in a sexual way.
However most people don’t reach that point.
They stay in the hidden, self-loathing, position that I was
in.
Telling someone helped.
I began making the changes I needed to.
But I slipped right back in.
Seven years after my initial exposure to pornography I used
it for the last time.
What made this different from all the others?
First, I had been trying to stop for years.
All of those efforts were important to quitting finally.
I had been eager to do missionary work for my church but
they had standards each person had to meet.
One of them included being sexually pure, which included not
watching pornography.
The opportunity to do missionary work came a lot faster than
originally planned and I found myself not being able to go,
Because of the simple fact that I couldn’t get over this one
addiction.
I remember being torn and distraught.
The feelings of self-hatred returned quickly.
I didn’t want to go back to that life,
I had improved.
Improvement happened, but the perfection needed didn’t.
Walking to the classroom I was going to meet my church
leader in was a long one.
I knew how this was going to go, I wasn’t going to be able
to do missionary work.
Once again, as it was every time I openly shared my
addiction with another person,
he was extremely understanding and was an important
influence in me overcoming the addiction.
He again shared that I wasn’t the only one.
I set a plan with him to overcome the addiction,
And with him decided I was never going to use again.
And I didn’t.
It’s been four years since the last time I sought out pornography.
I am happier than I have ever been.
I am faithfully and happily married to the most beautiful
girl I have ever met.
Happiness isn’t on a screen, or through pictures, it’s with
healthy relationships with those around you.
Pornography addiction can and will be overcome.
I know many who read this are, will, or have faced an
addiction with pornography.
It will destroy your life and your relationships.
I know because it destroyed my closest relationships.
Take the first and hardest step,
and tell someone.
It’s the first step in a long journey.
But it’s the most important step.
Stop reading this blog and call someone,
Text someone,
Or talk to a person under the same roof as you.
Start today, and I promise one day you will be able to write
something just like this.
You will overcome it.
You can and will do it.
