I Was Addicted to Pornography

I have fought with the idea of sharing my story for a long time.

On one side I didn’t want people to know what I had done.

On the other side I battled with feeling if it was appropriate or not to share…

Finally I realized that I needed to share it.

If we don’t talk about the addiction as often as we talk about alcoholism or smoking,

Then it will never be fought against as much as other addictions are.

Along with sharing my battle with pornography I invite anyone else who’s gone through similar 

battles themselves, 

if we share our stories others will find strength to reach the same point we have.

My addiction began in Middle School.

I had always been an avid reader.

Being mesmerized and obsessed with the Bourne movies I decided to read the novel it was based on.

Now to understand where I was at this point, I was naïve and clueless when it came to sex.

As anyone my age should be, however that’s becoming less and less normal.

I remember being in elementary school and coming home from a bus ride asking my mom what a 

blowjob was,

She never let me ride the bus again.

The book hooked me right at the beginning.

However not too long into the book I began to read a passage that was curious yet disgusting.

The main character was described having sex with the woman in the book and I couldn’t stop 

reading.

Not knowing what the feelings were I read it multiple times until the feelings became overwhelming.

Shutting the book I felt confusion and guilt rise inside of me.

I decided, after fighting myself for an hour, to go and tell my parents.

Too embarrassed to tell them it was from a book, I just explained what I was feeling.

They told me it was normal and that I was going through puberty.

Dismissing the event, I forgot it as quickly as I could and never read the book again.

I am not alone in this type of event in a young man or young woman’s life.

There will be a moment where someone discovers the sexual feelings inside of themselves.

Sadly, these events are coming more and more often through pornography.

Whether it’s a picture, a book, a movie, etc.

It’s Porn.

Parents have a responsibility to teach their kids not only about sexual feelings, but also about pornography and what it can do to them.

Because kids will experience it at a very young age.

At this point, if I knew fully what the effects of pornography were, then it may have stopped the addiction right then.

I don’t blame my parents.

At that point pornography was barely spoken about in society, it was there, but not in the same degree it is today.

The next few years I went through the angst of the teenage years.

Pornography began to creep in stronger and stronger.

It became a daily use type of thing.

I felt that I had to get the emotion out somehow, and if I didn’t use daily then they would just bubble up until I had to.

I decided that I was going to stop.

Then a couple of weeks to a month later I would fall back into it.

What was the trigger?

Stress and guilt.

Do you see the cycle?

I would use, feel less stressed, then feel guilty, then use again to remove the stress.

This is the same cycle with any other addiction.

The addiction itself leads to the trigger.

I was miserable.

And I can honestly say I hated myself.

Now I wasn’t the guy sitting in the back with my hood up depressed all the time.

I had friends,

I smiled.

I contributed to church youth group activities.

I got okay grades.

Yet I hated myself. A lot.

There would be nights where I would physically hurt myself because that is what I deserved.

What kind of person was I that couldn’t overcome this small thing?

What I didn’t realize was it wasn’t a small thing.

I needed help from others but couldn’t bring up the courage to talk to anyone about it.

Eventually I talked to a leader at my church and he explained that I wasn’t the only one.

That this problem and addiction is normal.

How was this normal?

Nobody around me did it.

They liked themselves, they were happy.

The problem with pornography is it doesn’t present itself like other addictions do,

 by someone becoming drunk,

or making a person smell like smoke.

It is completely secretive.

The addiction doesn’t show itself unless the person is driven to rape someone or act violently in a sexual way.

However most people don’t reach that point.

They stay in the hidden, self-loathing, position that I was in.

Telling someone helped.

I began making the changes I needed to.

But I slipped right back in.

Seven years after my initial exposure to pornography I used it for the last time.

What made this different from all the others?

First, I had been trying to stop for years.

All of those efforts were important to quitting finally.

I had been eager to do missionary work for my church but they had standards each person had to meet.

One of them included being sexually pure, which included not watching pornography.

The opportunity to do missionary work came a lot faster than originally planned and I found myself not being able to go,

Because of the simple fact that I couldn’t get over this one addiction.

I remember being torn and distraught.

The feelings of self-hatred returned quickly.

I didn’t want to go back to that life,

I had improved.

Improvement happened, but the perfection needed didn’t.

Walking to the classroom I was going to meet my church leader in was a long one.

I knew how this was going to go, I wasn’t going to be able to do missionary work.

Once again, as it was every time I openly shared my addiction with another person,

he was extremely understanding and was an important influence in me overcoming the addiction.

He again shared that I wasn’t the only one.

I set a plan with him to overcome the addiction,

And with him decided I was never going to use again.

And I didn’t.

It’s been four years since the last time I sought out pornography.

I am happier than I have ever been.

I am faithfully and happily married to the most beautiful girl I have ever met.

Happiness isn’t on a screen, or through pictures, it’s with healthy relationships with those around you.

Pornography addiction can and will be overcome.

I know many who read this are, will, or have faced an addiction with pornography.

It will destroy your life and your relationships.

I know because it destroyed my closest relationships.

Take the first and hardest step,

 and tell someone.

It’s the first step in a long journey.

But it’s the most important step.

Stop reading this blog and call someone,

Text someone,

Or talk to a person under the same roof as you.

Start today, and I promise one day you will be able to write something just like this.

You will overcome it.

You can and will do it.

www.fightthenewdrug.org